Can we teach our girls empathy? Why don't we worry about that question?
I think a fundamental question that has to be answered is "are we raising men, or are we raising people?" As we continually renegotiate our gendered constructs and spaces in society, we need to settle on what we believe are the true distinctions between genders. (And the we here means each person individually, as well as all of us as a collective society that makes laws, rules and norms.) Are there real gender differences that we are going to maintain? We've warmed to the idea that girls can be engineers. But do we also believe that girls are inherently more empathetic?
I have come to the conclusion that the differences within each gender is broader than the differences between genders, and therefore the question of how to raise men is inherently the wrong question. (This also easily dispenses with the follow-up question of how do we raise non-binary or trans kids.) I'm not trying to raise any women or men at my house, just people.
Parenting is hard, and each parenting relationship is hard in its own way. My own favorite son and favorite daughter are dramatically different people. I want them both to be empathetic, well-read, kind, productive, happy, and ready for school on time. And the method to try to reach each of them is different. At the parent level, hopefully we (the parents) have the time, energy and resources to parent intentionally and individually. At the society level, my message would be . . . . treat people intentionally and individually. It ain't easy.
We should be giving dolls to boys, and rocket ships to girls. And dolls to girls and rocket ships to boys. And then we should be comfortable with what they choose. We should expect our sons to be just as well mannered as our daughters, and our girls to be just as strong in sticking up for themselves as our boys. We should give our boys and our girls and ourselves a lot of grace when we screw it up, because this probably isn't how we were raised. And as they are becoming teenagers we should be honest with them that this isn't always what they will see out in "the world". Yes, they'll see "macho men" in movies, and sexy bimbos on tv. They're smart enough to see the inconsistencies out there, and then we have to trust that they'll be wise enough to overcome our weaknesses as parents.
Hey Clark, thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment. It’s clear you’ve really sat with this topic and brought care and depth to it. You’re such an intentional parent, and that resonates with me.
I’m with you on raising people, not stereotypes. Both my kids deserve the same encouragement to be empathetic, strong, courageous, and kind, no matter what gender they were assigned at birth. It’s absolutely not a zero-sum game. Caring about my son’s journey doesn’t take away any energy, hope, or intention I pour into raising my daughter.
At the same time, part of what drove me to write this post is that my son and daughter are now navigating different cultural currents. Even if I want to approach them both as individuals (and I do), I can’t ignore the fact that the world is sending them different messages, role models, expectations, and risks.
In that way, I think I’m approaching this more from a sociological perspective, trying to understand the structural and societal patterns affecting boys at large. Your comment, beautifully, feels like it’s coming from a philosophy of parenting perspective, focused on the ideal of raising people beyond gendered constructs. Both lenses are valuable, but I think we’re asking slightly different questions.
Raising my boy isn’t about emphasizing difference for its own sake; it’s about recognizing the realities disproportionately showing up for boys right now—culturally, educationally, emotionally. If I ignore that, I worry I’ll miss something important in helping him grow into the kind, empathetic, emotionally intelligent person I hope he’ll be.
I also really appreciate what you said about grace, because that’s key for me, too. I know I’m going to screw up, miss things, get tangled between what I want for them, what the world gives them, and what they want for themselves. But I’m trying. And I keep leaning into the reminder that we need to give grace to ourselves, our kids, and each other as we figure this out.
Thanks again for reflecting with me. Appreciate it. I’ll add this to my growing collection of things to overanalyze at 2 a.m.
Can we teach our girls empathy? Why don't we worry about that question?
I think a fundamental question that has to be answered is "are we raising men, or are we raising people?" As we continually renegotiate our gendered constructs and spaces in society, we need to settle on what we believe are the true distinctions between genders. (And the we here means each person individually, as well as all of us as a collective society that makes laws, rules and norms.) Are there real gender differences that we are going to maintain? We've warmed to the idea that girls can be engineers. But do we also believe that girls are inherently more empathetic?
I have come to the conclusion that the differences within each gender is broader than the differences between genders, and therefore the question of how to raise men is inherently the wrong question. (This also easily dispenses with the follow-up question of how do we raise non-binary or trans kids.) I'm not trying to raise any women or men at my house, just people.
Parenting is hard, and each parenting relationship is hard in its own way. My own favorite son and favorite daughter are dramatically different people. I want them both to be empathetic, well-read, kind, productive, happy, and ready for school on time. And the method to try to reach each of them is different. At the parent level, hopefully we (the parents) have the time, energy and resources to parent intentionally and individually. At the society level, my message would be . . . . treat people intentionally and individually. It ain't easy.
We should be giving dolls to boys, and rocket ships to girls. And dolls to girls and rocket ships to boys. And then we should be comfortable with what they choose. We should expect our sons to be just as well mannered as our daughters, and our girls to be just as strong in sticking up for themselves as our boys. We should give our boys and our girls and ourselves a lot of grace when we screw it up, because this probably isn't how we were raised. And as they are becoming teenagers we should be honest with them that this isn't always what they will see out in "the world". Yes, they'll see "macho men" in movies, and sexy bimbos on tv. They're smart enough to see the inconsistencies out there, and then we have to trust that they'll be wise enough to overcome our weaknesses as parents.
Hey Clark, thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment. It’s clear you’ve really sat with this topic and brought care and depth to it. You’re such an intentional parent, and that resonates with me.
I’m with you on raising people, not stereotypes. Both my kids deserve the same encouragement to be empathetic, strong, courageous, and kind, no matter what gender they were assigned at birth. It’s absolutely not a zero-sum game. Caring about my son’s journey doesn’t take away any energy, hope, or intention I pour into raising my daughter.
At the same time, part of what drove me to write this post is that my son and daughter are now navigating different cultural currents. Even if I want to approach them both as individuals (and I do), I can’t ignore the fact that the world is sending them different messages, role models, expectations, and risks.
In that way, I think I’m approaching this more from a sociological perspective, trying to understand the structural and societal patterns affecting boys at large. Your comment, beautifully, feels like it’s coming from a philosophy of parenting perspective, focused on the ideal of raising people beyond gendered constructs. Both lenses are valuable, but I think we’re asking slightly different questions.
Raising my boy isn’t about emphasizing difference for its own sake; it’s about recognizing the realities disproportionately showing up for boys right now—culturally, educationally, emotionally. If I ignore that, I worry I’ll miss something important in helping him grow into the kind, empathetic, emotionally intelligent person I hope he’ll be.
I also really appreciate what you said about grace, because that’s key for me, too. I know I’m going to screw up, miss things, get tangled between what I want for them, what the world gives them, and what they want for themselves. But I’m trying. And I keep leaning into the reminder that we need to give grace to ourselves, our kids, and each other as we figure this out.
Thanks again for reflecting with me. Appreciate it. I’ll add this to my growing collection of things to overanalyze at 2 a.m.