What Happened to the Boys?
Rethinking masculinity in an algorithmic age
👨👦 My son and me
On Instagram, I call him “favorite son.” It’s a privilege I have, since he’s my only boy, just as I have a favorite daughter.
Together, we’re inching into his teenage years. Some days it’s a slow climb, but most days it feels like we’re strapped to an out-of-control rollercoaster. Here comes 13, ready or not.
His rollercoaster is because he feels everything.
Some days, I marvel at his heart.
Other days, I catch myself tiptoeing around it, not because he’s wrong to feel, but because big emotions are hard. For him. For me.
How do I teach emotional intelligence when I struggle with it myself?
Society sure isn’t offering answers. Society tells boys to go cold or go cruel.
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
—Jiddu Krishnamurti
How do I teach my son that sensitivity is a superpower, when most of the world will call it a weakness?
💬 The picture of true masculinity (and where I struggle)
I met my husband when I was 29. I was 30 when we married.
Physically, I was attracted to him, but even more so, his kindness and wisdom drew me in.
A decade and change later, I most appreciate when we sit on the couch after the kids are in bed and talk about the messy, nuanced world we’re trying to make sense of.
Here’s a man who lives strength as service.
Protects without domination.
Leads through listening.
Also, he puts up with my mixed messaging because I ask for emotional openness while still cleaning to the parts of that protector and provider model baked into my expectations.
We’re both trying to live in that tension.
“Falling for a person isn’t a process. You can’t plan for it in advance, or anticipate its arrival. Love strikes in single moments. Anywhere. Anytime. Some day you catch them gardening in the sun, or singing dreadfully in the shower, and you think, Oh, I could spend all my life with you.”
—Beau Taplin
⚡ Then society comes barreling in
Here’s the deep thought that’s been sitting heavy with me lately:
Society got scared of masculinity’s abuses and decided to throw it out entirely.
The left framed maleness as inherently suspect.
The right weaponized that alienation, pushing broken, cartoonish models of manhood (Trump, Tate, Musk) onto boys desperate for meaning.
Tech poured gasoline on it all by flooding boys with outrage bait, performative toughness, and nihilistic junk because anger gets clicks.
You know the term, “toxic masculinity?” Well, I’ve decided it should go. The left misstepped here, vilifying masculinity as a whole rather than targeting specific behaviors.
Meanwhile, I find myself apologizing on social media if I say I admire a man for an act of decency.
Well, that’s ass-backwards.
But, the right ran in and offered broken, hyper-macho figures as heroes.
This is also a turn off.
And what happens when the algorithms join this battle royale for our boys? They feed them endless “manosphere” junk because outrage and dominance outperform service and humility in engagement metrics.
My son hasn’t been thrown into this chaos yet. He doesn’t have a phone or a social media account, but he won’t live out his life in isolation.
What’s a mom to do?
✏️ I’m starting with self-reflection
Here’s my list of where I’m at and what I hope:
I’m still learning.
I want to show my son that strength isn’t silence.
I want him to know that big emotions aren’t shameful—they’re part of what makes him capable of empathy and action.
I want to do better at modeling a marriage that honors both strength and softness (and for me, I struggle with the softness).
I need to give myself grace when I don’t get it right. This is so hard.
I will keep trying because the loudest voices out there won’t teach favorite son the real strength he’s capable of.
🤲 Asking for help
It’s hard to be a mom without a blueprint or a 12-step plan. I’m desperately looking for the directions on how to do this correctly.
This much I know:
We can’t abandon our boys.
We have to offer something better than the loudest voices on YouTube.
So here are my questions for you:
What does it look like to raise good men today?
How do we protect their strength without hardening their hearts?
Can we teach our girls empathy? Why don't we worry about that question?
I think a fundamental question that has to be answered is "are we raising men, or are we raising people?" As we continually renegotiate our gendered constructs and spaces in society, we need to settle on what we believe are the true distinctions between genders. (And the we here means each person individually, as well as all of us as a collective society that makes laws, rules and norms.) Are there real gender differences that we are going to maintain? We've warmed to the idea that girls can be engineers. But do we also believe that girls are inherently more empathetic?
I have come to the conclusion that the differences within each gender is broader than the differences between genders, and therefore the question of how to raise men is inherently the wrong question. (This also easily dispenses with the follow-up question of how do we raise non-binary or trans kids.) I'm not trying to raise any women or men at my house, just people.
Parenting is hard, and each parenting relationship is hard in its own way. My own favorite son and favorite daughter are dramatically different people. I want them both to be empathetic, well-read, kind, productive, happy, and ready for school on time. And the method to try to reach each of them is different. At the parent level, hopefully we (the parents) have the time, energy and resources to parent intentionally and individually. At the society level, my message would be . . . . treat people intentionally and individually. It ain't easy.
We should be giving dolls to boys, and rocket ships to girls. And dolls to girls and rocket ships to boys. And then we should be comfortable with what they choose. We should expect our sons to be just as well mannered as our daughters, and our girls to be just as strong in sticking up for themselves as our boys. We should give our boys and our girls and ourselves a lot of grace when we screw it up, because this probably isn't how we were raised. And as they are becoming teenagers we should be honest with them that this isn't always what they will see out in "the world". Yes, they'll see "macho men" in movies, and sexy bimbos on tv. They're smart enough to see the inconsistencies out there, and then we have to trust that they'll be wise enough to overcome our weaknesses as parents.