Why the Machines Can't Replace Me

And other meditations from the edge of obsolescence (brought to you by AI-generated fear, a titanium toe, and a very judgmental home printer).

Within the last year, I gave a short sermon in church.

It was warm. Casual. A spiritual TED talk, if you will. I spoke about grace, community, and that time I made eye contact with the Holy Ghost mid-Zoom call.

Afterward, a nice older gentleman approached me in the way that only nice older gentlemen in Utah can: kindly, earnestly, and with a complete disregard for the trauma he’s about to unleash.

👴 “I’m surprised you still have a job.”
Me: 😊
👴 “AI didn’t take it yet?”
Me: 😊
👴 “Do they… still need you?”
Me: 😊😊😊 internal screaming intensifies

No listen. I’m not sensitive.

I just lie awake at night wondering if ChatGPT is already more emotionally available than I am.

So in the spirit of planning for every scenario to appease my anxiety, I’ve prepared this inspiration list of reasons why AI can’t replace me, or possibly you, unless it already has, in which case: Godspeed.

Why AI isn’t coming for my job (yet)

Robots getting their steps in.

A love letter to my continued employment and moderate self-worth.

• 🧠 AI shuts down with too many browser tabs.
  I shut down when my therapist brings up the year 1999.

• 🖼️ AI doesn’t have a messy home office where tax paperwork from 2021 mingles with dried-out markers and an unsent thank-you card to the Relief Society president. I do. And that’s called texture.

• 💬 AI doesn’t know how to survive a meeting about whether we should have a meeting to plan for the meeting. I not only survive it, I create a breakout room and give everyone nicknames.

• 🥲 AI doesn’t feel existential dread about meal planning.
  I look at a box of pasta and wonder what it means to live in late-stage capitalism.

• 🦶 AI doesn’t have a titanium toe.
  I do. It’s my orthopedic-surgeon-given USB port.

• ✨ AI never types “het” instead of “the.”
  But I do, and it keeps me humble.

• 🧪 AI makes up configuration flags out of thin air.
  In contrast, I harass a senior developer in Slack at 2 a.m. until they answer with something that may or may not be real, but at least has a Jira ticket attached.

• 🧻 AI never uses Reddit as a source.
  I do, which is how I learned that you can microwave hard-boiled eggs, but you probably shouldn’t.

• 😐 AI doesn’t use emojis sarcastically.
  I do. And I use this one 👉 😬 as punctuation in emotionally fraught texts. It’s called nuance, sweetie.

• 🧠 AI uses “mockingly.”
  I prefer “mock-seriously,” which is the entire foundation of this post and arguably my entire worldview.

• 📎 AI wouldn’t last one Slack call.
  The moment someone says, “What if we circle back,” it will simply vaporize in a cloud of Jira notifications.

The ethical technologist weighs in (because I’m contractually obligated)

AI is changing work. It’s taking jobs. Creating others. Shaking up every industry from graphic design to writing Hallmark movie scripts about single dads who own failing maple syrup farms in Vermont.

And yes, I use AI every day. Not because I’m a techno-optimist. But because I’d be eaten alive by the Slack channel if I didn’t deliver documentation that could pass a Turing test and load in 0.3 seconds.

I’ve trained it. Groomed it. Raised it like a digital raccoon I found in the backend of my Google Docs.

It helps me organize my thoughts.
It helps me write my Sunday school lessons.
It helps me distance myself emotionally from the apocalypse we are all quietly living through.

So no, dear man-from-church.

AI has not taken my job.
But it has consumed every word I’ve published in our documentation.
And that, in itself, is a form of judgment I don’t know how to register yet.

• I will not be replaced by a machine.

• I may be upstaged by a machine.

• I may even collaborate with one, like a reluctant buddy cop sitcom starring me and a morally ambiguous chatbot.

But I will not go quietly.

Not while there are API endpoints to describe.
Not while there are MAGA posts on threads to screenshot.
Not while someone needs to explain the proper use of an em-dash — and I might even argue the properly artistic use of an em-dash — with flair and intention and just the right amount of passive-aggressive energy.