Recess and the Real World
Helping my kid turn in her art, and teaching her that good enough can be great
🖍 The One Detail Too Many
My favorite daughter sat in her chair on the third day of fifth grade. Everyone else had gone outside, but she was still there, hyper-focused, layering in just the right blend of colors for her “About Me” assignment. Her teacher had reminded her that her assignment was complete. She could go outside and play.
Recess was waiting. So were her friends — especially important this year, since they’re all in the other class.
But she couldn’t let go. Not until the shading was just right.
At the end of the day, her teacher emailed me: fav daughter had fist-bumped and hugged her for all they’d accomplished. That was a win. It wasn’t how day two had ended, where her perfectionism led to tears, compounded by the absence of her friends in the seats next to her.
I couldn’t help but see the reflection.
Imagine being a fifth grader and forgetting the importance of joy and social connection in the name of productivity. If we zoom out to the American culture, am I wrong to suggest that’s what we do?
✅ Definition of Done
Perfectionism is a funny kind of trap. My daughter has internalized a personal standard for what “done” means, one far beyond her teacher’s expectations. In Agile development, when I worked as a scrum master, we had a practice called the “Definition of Done.” It was agreed upon. Clear. Shared.
My daughter’s “done” is not her teacher’s “done.” And that leads to stress.
But you can’t fault her for how beautiful her vision of her personal work is. For the way she wants the things she does to sing. She’s not trying to delay. She just cares deeply. I think that my job, as the grown-up in the room, is to teach her that care doesn’t require perfection. That sometimes, “good enough” is a win. That handing it in means gaining something else: recess.
Right now, her teacher and I are trying out a plan:
Celebrate the effort: “We love how much pride you take in your work. It shows creativity and care.”
Offer trade-offs: “You can choose one special detail to focus on, then move on. Finishing gives you time with your friends.”
Build consistency: My daughter gets the same message from home and school. Recess isn’t an afterthought. It’s a priority.
🌊 The River as a Reboot
Not long before school started, my kids and I took a four-day river trip. I had my phone, but only for pictures. There wasn’t reception. Not even a whisper of a signal. I set it to airplane mode and forgot about connections outside of the moment. I didn’t even have a book downloaded (sorry, Etymologicon, next time).
Instead, the river offered its own kind of page-turner.
We experienced class II-IV rapids, moments of floating calm, and looked in each other’s faces as we chatted instead of at screens. We saw bald eagles, a beaver up close, and several herds of bighorn sheep. Mealtime came with swarms of wasps and laughter in our circle of folding camp chairs.
It was the opposite of hustle culture. And I felt the sharp contrast when we got home.
⏸ Sometimes, Recess Is the Assignment
As a mom, I often build the scaffolding around my kids: schedule, goals, grades, and growth. But it’s easy for me to forget to protect their recess. If we treat joy, rest, and connection like they only come after the real work, I’m missing the point, aren’t I?
I’ve worked with great teachers over the years with both my kids. For favorite daughter, we started in preschool, helping her navigate the moments of demanding perfectionism. This isn’t about forcing her to conform. It’s about giving her tools to choose what matters. Sometimes, that means coloring one flower in exquisite detail and letting the others be what they are. Sometimes, it means accepting a page as “good enough” and heading outside to laugh with friends.
The trick is learning when.
It’s the same for me, honestly.
Does our culture demand that we hustle, we perfect, we revise, and we redo? When do we hand it in and go outside?
When do we pause and recognize the recess moments right in front of us?
Sometimes coloring in every detail is just a delay. Sometimes recess is the real assignment.
