Plurals, Possessives, and Yuletide Panic: A Christmas Card Grammar Guide

Because nothing says "holiday spirit" like second-guessing your apostrophes.

I grew up as a Campbell. Easy. Straightforward. We were a big crew: seven kids; two parents; a rotating cast of pets, including finches, gerbils, poodles, some designer cat breeds, and two unhinged black cats. We rolled deep in a 12-passenger red Dodge van with a silver racing stripe and a vanity plate that read — and I am not making this up — SOUPCAN.

Many of the Campbells, posing in front of the SOUPCAN in Southern California. Family vacation. Family fun.

Grammar? Never a problem. The Campbells were the Campbells. End of story.

Then, I married an Elkins.

**Cue ominous grammar thunder.

A last name ending in S. The horror. The indecision. The existential dread of the HOLIDAY ENVELOPE.

Is it: The Elkins? The Elkin’s? The Elkins’?

Reader, I weep. It’s actually PAINFUL to top those above.

So, naturally, on our Christmas cards, I’ve chosen the only correct and emotionally satisfying route:

The Elkinseseses.

If it sounds like a sneezing snake, perfect. That’s the level of absurd commitment we’re after here.

But in case you’re wondering, the actual rule is simple:

If your name ends in S, X, Z, CH, or SH, just add -es and it’s plural.

NO APOSTROPHES! WE’RE SENDING JOY, NOT CLAIMING OWNERSHIP OF THE HOLIDAYS.

So:

• The Elkinses are coming to the party.

• We got a card from the Joneses.

• Please welcome the Churches.
  (But only the nice ones. You know who you are.)

Now, I know some of you still hesitate. You feel weird about adding that awkard -es. The tongue gets tangled. The grammar gut clenches. So you panic and throw in an apostrophe where it doesn’t belong.

Happy Holidays to you, Elkin’s

Elkin’s what? Dog? Casserole? Crippling self-doubt?

If the possessive isn’t possessing something, it doesn’t belong on the envelope.

I appreciate your festive effort. Love, the Grammar Gremlin

So here’s your survival guide:

Acceptable:

• The Elkins Family

• From Nathan, Lauren, and the Elkins kids

• The Elkinses (if you’re bold, correct, and prepared to be misunderstood)

Not acceptable:

• The Elkin’s (Unless you’re looking up a restaurant in this NC town)

• The Elkins’ (unless you have the thing we all possess coming up after)

• The Elkinzzzz (unless you’re starting a new Utah sports team)

And for those brave souls pluralizing other names this season:

• The Rogerses (talking about Mister here, not Aaron)

• The Dickenses (who bring tiny ghosts of grammar past)

• The Sussexes (and their Netflix entourage)

• The Lopezes (Feliz Navidad, from every generation of J.Lo’s extended family)

• The Bushes (politically confusing and botanically accurate)

• The Foxes (no relation to Megan or Mulder, just a regular Utah family with five kids and a dog named Scout)

• The Hernandezes (who make the best Christmas tamales)

In conclusion, may your days be merry, bright, and grammatically pristine. And if they’re not?

Just sign it,
From Lauren and Crew
(the safest out possible since the dawn of holiday stationary)

P.S. Notes from an Ethical Technologist

This year, like every year, I will lovingly tape your Christmas cards to the coat closet door with painter’s tape, right next to the coat rack overflowing with sweatshirts, jackets, coats, hats, and scarves even though there’s only four of us. But let’s be honest: we get fewer cards each year. The mailbox, once bursting with red envelopes and foil lettering, now mostly offers coupons for HelloFresh and some random political flyer that missed election season by WEEKS.

Have we lost the plot? Or have we just lost access to affordable photo printing and the will to write a sentence longer than a TikTok caption?

Also, grammatically speaking, I have concerns about this country. Oxford commas are on life support. Apostrophes are being used for pluralization like they’re seasoning… just throw one on there and hope it tastes right.

So please, send cards. (At least to me!) Pluralize with purpose. And teach the CHILDREN that commas aren’t just for breathing. They’re for knowing the difference between riding with your mom, your sister, and a fince named Bambi… or all three in the same seat.