More Look-At-Me Awards!
Because the only thing more humbling than being noticed, is being deeply deserving of it.
After Donald J. Trump was graciously gifted the entirely fictitious FIFA Peace Prize (which I’m pretty sure, and this is totally true, was printed on a napkin at Mar-a-Lago and signed by a janitor, before someone came up with the trophy and medal idea), I figured it was time I humbly acknowledge my own recent honors.
This weekend, I, too, received accolades. Multiple, in fact. It was a profoundly moving experience that involved a red carpet made of crushed Nerds clusters and a keynote speech delivered by my dog, Luna, who whimpered and barked at a rogue balloon.
And now, the awards.
The Golden Leftover Negotiation Award
Presented in recognition of extraordinary diplomatic service in the field of parental arbitration. I successfully brokered a ceasefire between two rival nations (my kids) over who got the home cell phone screen time and whether we were watching K Pop Demon Hunters or the Detroit Lions game.
I also whisper-screamed “REVERENT.”
During church.
While handing out mints after the sacrament like a back-alley dealer.
Truly, it was my Nobel moment.
The Lumbago Lifetime Achievement Trophy
This elegantly sculpted spinal column (crafted entirely from ibuprofen and broken soccer dreams) was awarded for heroic perseverance despite chronic lower back pain, my dramatic flair for unloading the dishwasher like it’s an Olympic floor routine, and for sleeping nightly on a sleep number bed set to “crippling regret.”
The selection committee noted my ability to simultaneously wince, sigh, and say “I’m fine” in three octaves. (hashtag skills)
The Order of the Royal Feline
An ancient and highly unmotivated cat council bestowed this velvet-lined certificate for exemplary service in the kingdom of Figo, my rosette Bengal cat, who rules our house like a furry, emotionally manipulative warlord. Nobody voted him in, and I’m actually okay with that.
My qualifications included (but were not limited to):
Pretending not to notice the plant he clearly yeeted off the sofa table.
Buying out the stock of lint rollers from JoAnn’s before they went out of business.
Bribing the judges with Churu like a feline lobbyist with tuna-stained pockets.
The Ironed White Shirt Medal of Enduring to the End
This one was likely meant for another Mormon Wife with a not-so-secret life, but due to a clerical error and a shared affinity for funeral potatoes and scones that aren’t the British kind, I was chosen instead. I humbly accept, even though my last Relief Society casserole was just mac ‘n cheese with a note that said, “Blessed are those who eat carbs.”
The award included bonus points for smiling politely through a testimony about finding a lost Croc and not responding with, “And lo, He saith unto thee: check under the back seat of the minivan.”
The Beehiver Valor Cross
Awarded for surviving a full calendar year in Bountiful, Utah, without once screaming into my pillow during I-15 road construction when the detour sent me in a perfect triangle around my own house for 45 minutes.
Also recognized:
Enduring inversions that taste like burnt Pop-Tarts.
Sitting through fast and testimony meetings where someone inevitably bears witness of Jell-O and the divinely appointed Yeti cooler.
Experience the BYU football season in its full prophetic range: hope, despair, and “Why are they trying to run it up the middle again?”
My award included:
A vintage green Jell-O pin from the Salt Lake 2002 Olympics.
A Crown Burger fry enshrined in epoxy, with a tiny ramekin of fry sauce hand-blessed by an elder from Happy Valley.
Thank you, thank you, thank you
In closing, I’d like to thank:
My family
My L5-S1 disc
The fine folks getting all my books from on hold for me at the library
And of course, ME, for continuing to show up despite not knowing why I came into this room again?
I will now go document this historic moment in my journal, then immediately come up with twenty-six reasons why I didn’t deserve any of it.
Because nothing says “humility” like publicly denying your greatness… on the internet… with a custom doodle of a trophy with an interesting design.