Make Peace Prizes Great Again
Plus: What Antifa’s president is doing in a fjord right now.
In what scholars, cats, and several baristas are already calling THE GREATEST INTERNATIONAL BETRAYAL SINCE EUROVISION, Donald J. Trump did not win the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize. Shucks.
And folks, he is devastated. He announced at his press conference that the winner called and said he deserved it.
That’s right. The award went to María Corina Machado, a democratic icon from Venezuela. A person with functioning ethics.
Clearly, the system is rigged.
According to multiple anonymous sources (i.e., me, right now), Trump announced at his press conference that the Nobel committee is secretly run by Dominion Voting Systems, and that Liberty Vote — despite reportedly purchasing Dominion — should have made sure he won. Because LOYALTY.
Meanwhile, back in Norway — where the prize is handed out by people with suspiciously polite vowels and they have functioning weather — rumors are swirling. Not only did they not pick Trump, but they may or may not be eating dogs and cats now. (Don’t fact-check this. That’s not how satire works.)
Prior to announcing the winner, the Nobel committee called Machado in the middle of the night.
Let me say that again:
She answered the phone.
At 4:00 a.m.
From an unknown number.
📦 In a very dignified response, Machado celebrated by buying her cats a tiny tent. As expected, they slept in the box it came in. This was a political masterstroke.
In contrast, Trump was up at 4:00 a.m., sitting on his golden toilet, posting in all caps: NOBODY HAS DONE MORE FOR PEACE (AND GOLF) THAN ME. RIGGED!!! NORWAY IS FULL OF CATS AND LOSERS!!!
But let’s give him some credit: he was nominated. For the 900th time. And not by the Nobel committee, but possibly by a guy named Randy from Texas who sells tactical garden gnomes and once wrote a very passionate blog post about ketchup being the official condiment of freedom.
🇳🇴 The Norwegian Flotilla Is En Route
What’s worse, according to top-secret intelligence (which I have because I’m a tech writer in Utah and we’re trusted with such things), there is now a Norwegian Flotilla headed for U.S. shores. It’s basically IKEA*, but angry.
Trump has already authorized a preemptive drone strike from North Dakota, where our nation’s secret drone base is definitely, definitely located. Don’t worry, it’s fine that I just told you that. It’s not like it was on Google Maps.
The flotilla, according to sources that may or may not be my cat Figo, includes:
Viking longships
Nobel jurors in modest knitwear
and the president of Antifa disguised as a fjord
When asked for comment, Kristi Noem shot a dog in solidarity.
🏆 Utah Also Has Never Won a Nobel Peace Prize
In this moment of national heartbreak, Utah stands in solidarity with Trump. We, too, have never won a Nobel Peace Prize. Not for inventing funeral potatoes. Not for forcing youth to trek through sagebrush in pioneer cosplay. Not even for creating an environment so dry it exfoliates you against your will.
We feel you, Don.
🏃♂️ Trump and the Hedonic Treadmill
But here’s the deeper tragedy.
Trump is on the hedonic treadmill of Nobel despair. He yearns for recognition that will never come, sprinting harder and harder toward the gold-plated trophy of global validation, only to find the incline increasing each year.
He will never get the prize.
And like all of us caught in this cruel human loop, he returns to his baseline state of sadness, disappointment, and deep, yawning need for attention.
So he does what any emotionally resilient billionair does:
He hosts a rally.
He sells gold sneakers.
He retweets a photo of himself Photoshopped onto a roman statue.
He tells Iowa that the wind turbines gave him covid.
He grifts.
And still… no Peace Prize.
But he’s definitely going to throw massive tariffs on all IKEA* furniture now.
*He doesn’t know the difference between Norway and Sweden.
📚 Side Note: I Have a Kid Named After a Nobel Laureate
Meanwhile, I’ll be over here raising a daughter named after Gabriela Mistral, the first Latina woman to win the Nobel Prize in Literature. (Yes, that’s different than the Peace Prize. No, Trump will not acknowledge the distinction.)
Mistral earned her prize not through rage-posting, but through beauty, depth, and actual global contribution. It’s wild how that works.
💻 So what’s the takeaway from your friendly Ethical Technologist?
Let’s not let the algorithms raise our kids, choose our leaders, or pick our prophets.
Let’s start fact-checking our rage.
Let’s celebrate cat tents, courageous women, and the wild idea that peace is worth fighting for.
Because in the end, truth still matters.
And so does answering the damn phone.
Click like, follow, or slap a tariff on this post, I don’t care. I’m just here trying to float through the digital absurdity without getting entangled.