CISA Chaos is On Brand for October
Or: How to build a resilient cybersecurity strategy by firing everyone and moving to North Dakota
Ah, to hell with cybersecurity these days. Who needs it? Not America! Not in October, when the veil is thin, the spirits are restless, and the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) is experiencing a full-blown haunted decimation.
Imagine you work at CISA. Let’s call you Bob. You’re just a mild-mannered federal cyber analyst with a new pair of blue-light-blocking glasses (darker frames, sleek finish, you feel seen), and you’re excited to log in and update the national threat detection matrix.
AUTH FAILED.
Bob frowns. He knows he updated his password yesterday. It had 12 special characters, three Greek letters, one emoji, a Cyrillic Њ, and a literal fireball. A FIREBALL. He suspects the system just can’t handle that level of patriotism.
He tries again.
This time, sirens blare. Red lights flash. Bob’s cubicle lowers slowly into the floor like a trapdoor in a Bond villain’s lair. Two men in red hats and wraparound Oakleys appear holding a letter, stamped with the most patriotic Sharpie signature since the Declaration of Independence was vandalized at Mar-a-Lago.
YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE GREATEST NEW ASSIGNMENT BY THE GREATEST ADMINISTRATION FOR THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN HISTORY. YOU WILL NOW RELOCATE TO THE CYBER CAPITAL OF THE WORLD: BOTTINEAU COUNTY, NORTH DAKOTA.
-Donald J. Trump (Verified)
Bob glances around and realizes his coworkers are also holding letters, blinking at the monitors flashing YOU’VE BEEN MDR’D in Comic Sans. Everyone is being Management Directed Reassigned, which is bureaucratic for Yeet Thyself to the Wilderness.
Suddenly, we’ve got seasoned cyber professionals being shipped off to places like:
Wayn County, Utah (population: 2 moose and a closed gas station)
Calhoun County, West Virginia (official state motto: “We still have AOL.”)
Tallapoosa County, Alabama (home of the World’s Largest Bass-Shaped Civic Center)
We call this “cyber strategy by dartboard.”
💣 But don’t worry — this is all part of Making America Safe Again™.
🎯 Strategic layoffs, but make it constitutional
As of this month, 176 DHS employees have been let go. The bulk were from CISA, because — and this is real — the current administration decided that cybersecurity professionals were too busy “censoring, branding and electioneering.”
Ah yes. The three horsemen of the cyber apocalypse:
Censorship
Branding
Oxford-comma-free Electioneering
Let’s be clear: The same people who think “the cloud” lives in the sky just fired the people who protect our actual national infrastructure from ransomware attacks.
Because nothing says “homeland security” like firing the homeland security people.
🧊 Side note: Several CISA folks were reassigned to ICE jobs in D.C., because nothing prepares you for immigration raids like deep experience in TCP/IP protocols and phishing simulations.
It’s like taking a dental hygienist and asking them to rebuild the Hoover Dam.
But don’t worry. America has a plan.
🤖 AI will save us
CISA? Who needs it? The new plan is AI! The very same tech currently generating deepfakes of kangaroos jumping on trampolines and mountain lions getting spooked by a Halloween decoration while eating a bowl full of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
What could possibly go wrong?
It did so well with that report from HHS with made up links to non-existent research studies.
The White House is confident that ChatGPT can stop Russian ransomware gangs are definitely NOT CONNECTED to Roskomnadzor, DDoS attacks, and rogue QR codes at gas pumps, all while drafting speeches that include the word “cyber,” and complain about how many times you have to flush the damn toilet these days.
🇺🇸 Final thoughts from the ethical technologist in witness protection
As a proud Ethical Technologist™ with at least one titanium body part and exclusive clearance from Utah’s dry air committee, I’m here to say:
This is not a drill.
America’s cyber strategy now resembles a group project where everyone was reassigned mid-semester to different cafeterias. One kid got sent to North Dakota. The other got sent to a haunted Hardee’s in Alabama. The rest were eaten by the algorithm.
So before your VPN catches fire and your toaster demands a password reset, just remember.
October is scary for a reason.*
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to reset my router. It’s been crying ever since Bob got relocated to Tallapoosa.
*Funny how October is also National Cybersecurity Awareness Month. This Republican administration has odd ways of celebrating.